Chemo day

Started off smily and talkative and determined to stay awake. Got a big gift bag full of nice things from redkite, whoever they are. Port accessed on first go. Did the find a word in the bag. Couldnt keep eyes open. Fell asleep. Woke up feeling more tired than when I fell asleep. Home now but so tired and pale. Taste is terrible so im sipping ice tea constantly. Going to try play Skyrim (videogame but I suspect I wont have the concentration or energy. The weather has just turned lovely and rainy and windy with a cool breeze coming in. Perfect post chemo weather. I feel better sitting at home doing nothing feeling horrible if I wouldnt want to be outside anyway. There were two other young women in the treatment room today, but I didn't say hello like one sometimes sort of does as I was in the smaller room at the end. Easier to keep your centre in a smaller less chaotic environment. Very tired but dont think sleep would help/be possible. Better to try pass time with as distracting and non energy requiring a thing as possible. I want to think. I want to talk. I want to read. But I cant properly. Its so frustrating. Having to work through this haze of fatigue and chemo brain. So disgusting thinking about the volume of poison injected into my body today and how aware I am of what its doing to parts of me, and how bad I'll feel in a day or two. So I'll just try pass the time. When I can write more than a stream of consciousness again I'll tell you what we learned from the meeting with my oncologist. I will say though that everyone at the hospital was saying how happy he was with how much better I am than I was. It must be so difficult to be the one advising all this horrible treatment and looking at how it effects people and trying to be the judge of what is best and worth it in the long run. You'd have to see people at their very worst and be the bearer of terrible news and be confronted with every extreme of human emotion. I imagine people would sometimes blame them for their situation and that would be so difficult to deal with. I'll have to make mine some amazing cake or something when this is over.